Kate’s take: PDA hater – valid?

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Kate’s take: PDA hater – valid?

Dear Kate,

I have a conundrum. This is a silent, beautiful, nuzzling conundrum. The most god-like of couples — truly dear people — across campus have resorted to expressions of their tenderness that are, distracting at best and disturbing at worst. Kate, do I hate love? Do I resent the way these darling people stare into each other’s eyes, oblivious of the world around them? Am I a bad person for cursing when I come upon them in front of doors across campus, gently murmuring into each other’s shoulders, wrapped in a muted rapture? Is there a special place in the Inferno for people who resent couples for sharing one bench at a table in A.J.’s?

I just don’t know anymore.

Please help.

-—A very distracted student

 

Dear Distracted,

Ah, young love. It’s a beautiful thing. Why come to Hillsdale to study and read wonderful books, talk to professors about truth, or take challenging classes when you could just fall in love, block door ways, and spend your time cuddling on a couch in the Union or playing footsie in the library? That’s what these areas of campus were made for anyway, right?

I do have to disagree with you. Who are you to interrupt these lovers with your whines about trying to concentrate on Dante or Aristotle? They, after all, will repopulate the earth, (hopefully with very conservative children who believe in the divine connection between the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution). Their work will most likely save our good nation.

So let me ask you again, who are you to demand peace and quiet to read such useless things as can be found in our Western Heritage reader? Good gracious! Stop wasting your time, and find yourself your own nuzzling partner and begin the ever-so-essential work of falling in love, wedding, and rearing children in the way of the Founding Fathers! A very distracted student indeed, attempting to spend your time in pursuit of higher truth, when the higher truth is to be found in the opposite sex sitting right next to you!

The percentage of seniors who were engaged last year was 13 percent (I might be making this number up, unfortunately, which seriously detracts from the seriousness of this very important column) but I argue that it should be 33 percent! Or 300 percent!

Ladies and gentlemen, where on this green earth will you find another pool teeming so viciously with so many men and women who agree with every single thought in your own head? Only at the Kirby Center in D.C., I dare say, and only a select few of you will have the enormous privilege to go there. Make use of your four years here wisely and pair up. In conclusion, the more nuzzling, the better!