Practice tough friendship

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Recently, a friend came to me pretty stoked about a decision she had made. After eagerly presenting all the details, she asked what I thought, likely expecting affirmation. I probed a bit and proceeded to offer a few considerations had I been in her place. She was pulled up short and told me that, among the wide audience aware of her good tidings, I alone raised an objection. Now I was pulled up short. The issue seemed black and white to me; I was stunned that I had been the first to voice disapproval. “You fricking need better friends,” I told her without hesitation.

A little abrasive? Possibly. I might have altered my tone or tweaked my wording slightly if I could do it over. But not the sentiment, by which I still wholeheartedly stand.

My frustration was less with this particular friend as with her friends. Though many of these people are both part of the studentry I so highly esteem, and have (to me, at least) agreed with my assessment, they lack the courage to communicate even some basic objections to their friend’s decision, for whom they surely desire the best. Why?

To be sure, many do hold their friends accountable and challenge one another. I have friends like this; I don’t mean to generalize to the whole of Hillsdale College. Yet I’ve been surprised recently by the issues in peoples’ lives that go unquestioned by their closest friends. There’s risk in confrontation; I understand those who suppress their disapproval for fear of causing relationship tension. Or maybe there’s a fear that the friend in question will feel “judged.” But these fears and this “don’t judge me” retort — itself a judgment, by the way — are hang-ups I would not have expected in my peers. Instead of holding each other to a higher standard, we’ve settled for this passionate non-judgmentalism that undermines the standards of honor to which we are called.

We shy away from speaking up to our friends for the sake of “not wanting to offend them” or “wanting them to feel supported in their decisions” or “wanting them to do what makes them happy.” But that is not friendship. That is cowardice. It is a lack of loyalty. It is an excuse to save face and maintain status-quo relationships. We must desire each other’s good and make judgments in light of that desire. Yep, I said it. We’re supposed to make judgments. That’s what accountability is, folks. Throw your pithy Matthew 7 jabs at me all you want after you reconcile it with the countless other passages in Scripture that admonish us to sharpen one another, that highlight and extol the faithful wounds of a friend, and that instruct us to make right judgments (as opposed to judging by mere appearances).

I detest confrontation. I’m sure that’s the case for most people, but some are better at it or more comfortable with it than others. I’m not. I have let problems unfold in my friends’ lives instead of speaking up at the outset because I cared more about how that conversation could potentially become a disagreement that might harm the friendship. However, I have become increasingly convicted to put these fears aside, recognizing the duty I have as a friend. In speaking up, I actually show myself a true friend. I’m not advocating browbeating, bulldozing, nitpicking, insensitivity or tactlessness. But let’s ask more questions of our friends, graciously challenge them, and have these hard conversations. There is room for letting go of small things like a curt remark from someone who had a rough day. But we should speak the truth in love, considering what is best for the other person, even if it means challenging her.

This goes both ways: I want to be called out if I’ve done something wrong. I want to know if I’ve been insensitive or self-absorbed or am making a poor decision. It’s never easy to hear, but I want my friends to demonstrate care for me, which passively standing by and “supporting me in what makes me happy” do not accomplish. I want to be held to a higher standard too. I want to be told what I need to hear. Those who do this are the friends I take more seriously, whom I trust and value the most. Don’t let potentially problematic issues unfold in your friends’ lives in the name of keeping peace. We have a responsibility to one another that we can’t neglect.